First and foremost, I just want to say… yeah, it's a new year, I guess. New year, new mental illness, I suppose.
I'm sorry for not writing anything since my last post in November. The reason is simple: I lacked the motivation to write. Now that I’m done with the rudimentary teaching internship from my campus, I really need solitude, no, I meant to say, a space to be alone.
Looking back a year ago, November 21st was the day everything ended. The day my internship finally came to an end. If you’ve been following my previous posts, you’d know that I was truly, honestly, tired of meeting kids, repeating the same material again and again and again. Without a doubt, I was sick of it. Hell, I even despised myself for how low my performance was when it came to teaching. Because, to be honest, I was just exhausted. Truly exhausted.
But yeah, despite all of that, the experience taught me something: sometimes, you have to be more patient than ever before. Especially when dealing with kids.
The only happiness I found during those four months was in the first two weeks of that last month. Truth be told, I had promised myself to give the school a kind of present as a token of my gratitude. So, I created a proposal, but not a typical one. It was a proposal for a new website dedicated to the school. I call it a proposal because they haven’t used it yet, but it's ready to be deployed live whenever they decide to. That was my only source of happiness during those four months of internship.
Although, I have to admit, and I’ll be upfront about this, I heavily used AI while designing the site. I know I’m not talented. I know I’m technically a cheater. But I learned a lot about leveraging AI. I would say I’m done with the project since I’ve already given the link to the vice principal. They can use it whenever they feel like it, and if they don’t, well, that’s that. At the very least, I’ll add it to my CV. That’s it.
As time has passed, I admit I’m someone who betrays himself. I promised myself I would do a water fast for at least a month, yet I failed to commit. Not because my mom’s cooking is the best (no, definitely not), but because of my lack of discipline and obsession.
So, to discipline myself, I’m dedicating the next three months (starting in February) to writing something, anything, about how I feel, whether I feel pressured, and so on. I swear, I hate myself for this lack of discipline, and I want to change. At the very least, I want to improve my appearance.
So yeah, I hope God is with me during these months of struggle...
