new year, new mental illness

hello, uh, how's your day been? Seems good? i hope you're doing well. you tell me right now, how does it feel when everything starts to crumble apart?

it's true, since the pandemic, everything has changed. but not for me. some of us might feel devastated because their relative died from covid, or some of us might feel like two years prior to the pandemic, when everything is closed, is just heaven. Not even heaven, but paradise. yeah, deadass bro, my life back then is paradise. i feel peace around that time. but everything changed around me going to college...

i mean think about this, how come you're not getting compensated if you somehow don't get a chance to study abroad funded by the goverment. so for the disclosure, i'll give you the clue through this pic:

it is very crucial to blur the username alongside the scholarship name because apparently some people are not relaxed when it comes to something that doesn't even threaten their lives. but anyways...

i'll say this with the most respectful way of critisizing the scholarship. here it is:

yeah, THEY ARE THE FUCKING CLOWN. and i'll give you the reason why (don't care if grammatical error, this is my blog, i do what i want, don't tell me to do shit)

• i get it, the most common way of securing a scholarship is by passing a score test.
• the most common tests are either ielts, toefl, or duolingo.
• my complaint is, why don't they fund the tests so that students don't have to worry about what to prepare, especially if they come from low economic backgrounds? tell me, is this fully funded as they proudly say, or is it partially funded?
• if that kind of approach doesn't resemble what a scumbag would do, then I don't know what does 😕

upon reflecting on it again, the act of writing and recalling the bitterness of the process makes me want to cry. i'm not joking; when i say i want to cry, i truly mean it. i'm very glad that this song really comforting me whenever i'm trying to remember it again. oh, poor me...

the last time i wrote like this was in november last year, and then i stopped in december because that month is one of the most painful months, being the last month of the year. can you imagine that?

part of the reason why i stopped is because there are some large nodes around my neck. at first, i didn't feel anything, but over time they grew bigger, and the more i felt the pain. it was later known that i had cervical lymph nodes after the doctor diagnosed me. long story short, december is the month when i spent half of the weeks in the hospital undergoing surgery. i also started having regular medical checkups. alongside this, i was thinking about the possibilities if my parents didn't want to support me to secure the scholarship. to be honest, i didn't have a pleasant feeling about everything that happened to me during the first two to four months of the new year.

yeah, long story short, my parents didn't want to support me in securing the scholarship. i did not expect that. in fact, i'm not the kind of kid who's never been told "no" in his whole life. so, in alternative (considering i'm in a new semester this year that requires me to leave campus), i decided to leave town and dedicate myself to helping and maybe offering some knowledge about the things that i know, basically teaching in a rural town. at least, i have better things to do and actually fixing my life to be more productive, so to speak. but it turns out everything is just the same, you know. in fact, it's far worse. you might think that i'm always this negative or something like that, but the truth is, i'm experiencing all of it :(

i mean you're talking about 15 different person with different major and you tell me "oh you guys must have some kind of bonding, right?"

unfortunately, the answer is no :(

i'll break it down to you, why the answer is no:

• i knew from the beginning that some sort of bonding wouldn't happen, and it's not shocking to me either. bonding implies that you're supposed to stick together and get to know each other, but since arriving in the village on day one, i have not seen any sense of cohesion whatsoever. just to be clear, the campus didn't provide any kind of transportation, so we relied on our own vehicles. that's when you realize how non-prestigious the campus is. we had to drive for 4 hours, and not one person from their inner circle is slowed down. are we in an F1 race or a grand prix?
• you know, i'm fine with relationships. what i mean is, i'm okay if the guy brings his girlfriend to be part of the group. but considering that this group consists of 15 people who still have no idea how chaotic the world is, why can't the guy at least, just at least, have some kind of communication with other guys like me, the exchequer, or the leader of the group? i don't know about you, but as depressive and suicidal as i am, at least i'm taking this task seriously (although I can be goofy sometimes). are they actually taking this task seriously, or do they view this once-in-a-lifetime experience as a vacation?
• not to sound condescending, but the thought that one of them actually comes from one of the most polite societies in my province is actually shocking to me. i mean, you're telling me, how dare you try to be rude while staying in someone's house? don't you realize that you're a guest? alongside the hedonistic way you're behaving, it shocks even me, coming from one of the biggest towns in the country. like, dude, i get it. there are so many vacations and similar things that aren't even available in your actual domicile. but could you at least try to, i don't know, save your money for the future?
• oh yes, and this is the fun part. according from canadian resource centre for victims of crime, victim blaming is "a devaluing act that occurs when the victim(s) of a crime or an accident is held responsible — in whole or in part — for the crimes that have been committed against them". i don't know about you dawg, but once again, the idea that some loser refuses to face the consequences of their actions when they've done something wrong is just a what on earth moment for me. furthermore, using crocodile tears to justify one's actions or to portray a "not my fault" vibe is just... manipulative, if you ask me

i don't know bruh. like i said in the beginning, on god everything is getting worse. i don't know why am i in this situation, i don't know if this is some kimd of test from God to test my patience, because in reality and i'll say this one more time, I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE :(

how many times do i have to wait? how long is this going to last?

i don't know bruh...

i'm just hoping that one day i'm not that reckless enough of ending myself. i still have dreams and plans to do :(

i just don't know how long i'm going to survive in this hellhole. in the next week i'll be in the village meeting with these scumbags. i'm just hoping that my mental state remains intact

let's just hope so...