goodness gracious, i can't believe i've already passed 8 months (mostly traumatizing) this year. oh my God, i surely can't thank the Father in Heaven enough. this also makes me wonder how the hell i'm still alive. just like the lyrics:
"Well, do you feel better now? I thought I'd run until the sky came out And with the sunlight on my face Something changed"
"I'm just trying to feel alive You climbed a mountain, are you satisfied? And you stand at the top You already wanna do this One more time"
"Maybe it's a gift that I couldn't recognize Maybe I don't really need to feel satisfied Maybe it's a gift that I spend all this time Just trying to feel alive"
it's called trying to feel alive...
gotta love Porter, man. his lyrics connect so much with me and my emotional state. i somehow like most of his discography. there’s something unique about how he balances his background as an edm musician with writing lyrics that actually resonate with someone's life, making you wonder, is he a pop musician or an electronic musician?
he's my favorite musician (edm) aside illenium, skrillex, inzo, dabin, said the sky, madeon, and many more :)
so what lesson that you learned from this month?
honestly...
nothing...
fuck, i just realized my air purifier is dead because my mom recklessly threw stuff out without ever asking what the hell its purpose was. like, bro, i swear i want to move out of this house. after all, i'm a grown man, and i should decide what i want to do with my life. i really want to move abroad and actually pursue my doctorate studies. should've focused on my toefl journey long time ago...
ever since i got accepted into this godforsaken campus, my life has been crumbling apart. the covid era gave me some peaceful time, but at the same time, it brought out an ugly side of my life. i don’t know why i've gained so much weight over the past 4 years. i tried water fasting, and it made some progress, but i eventually didn't continue it because i was super busy during the last two semesters...
i don't know man, i don't know...
also, i listened to this recap livestream (it’s old, like 3 years old) while writing this, just to try to make my life more peaceful so i won’t cry if my parents or brother hear it. i don’t want to show my vulnerable side because i am the first child of the family. gotta show some toughness. i know my responsibility...
yeah man...
august is nothing but a wild month, just like june. it's just like when i lived abroad in the village, another tremendously painful month for me. God, i hope September will actually be a good month for me because i really want to focus on my bachelor’s thesis and work towards obtaining my ielts or toefl certificate to live abroad. ever since i graduated from high school, i've felt that i don’t want to work or pursue my doctorate studies in my homeland because you’ll never get the experience you need. you'll just miss out (or i could be wrong). i believe that 5 years of working and living abroad is worth 25 years of experience in the homeland, so it’s worth a try, you know?
one thing i got rid of this month is my old twitter account because i don't feel like tweeting anymore. deleted it and made a new account, not for tweeting, but just to see what the fyp has to offer. i mean, it's great because at least you don't feel cringe every time you see a video on the platform, unlike tiktok, the platform i hate the most...
about the next month????
um, yeah, next month feels like it's going to be another august for me, just teaching and the monotony of it all. i really hate teaching, i want to do something different. what's crazy is that the school officials called my mom about my hairstyle. i’m like, what the actual fuck? why are they so concerned about my hairstyle? according to my mom, they dead ass called to remind her that my ponytail shouldn't be longer than my eye level. i’m like, seriously? what does that have to do with education? how does a boy's hairstyle impact academic performance? their response was even more ridiculous: "to prevent high schoolers from following your hairstyle because you're a teacher" 😒
that doesn't make any sense!!!!
HOW THE FUCK YOU THINK THAT THOSE INNOCENT KIDS WILL FOLLOW MY LIFE CHOICES? HUH? ARE YOU ON METH OR SOMETHING? HOW DID YOU GO SO FAR WITH THIS? ALSO, I AM NOT A FUCKING TEACHER. THE ONLY REASON I'M AT MY BROTHER'S HIGH SCHOOL IS BECAUSE IT'S A FINAL TASK FROM MY UNI TO TEACH BEFORE MY CONTRACT ENDS
OLD FUCKS LIKE YOU ARE THE REASON WHY UNIQUENESS NEVER SEES THE LIGHT IN SCHOOLS. TALKING ABOUT INFLUENCE, MOTHERFUCKER, I DON’T EVEN WANT STRANGERS TO PRAISE ME OR LOOK UP TO ME, YOU BITCH ASS
I AM NOTHING
I AM NOT PERFECT. I’M MENTALLY UNSTABLE AND HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT WAYS TO END MYSELF, YET FOR SOME UNKNOWN REASON I HAVEN’T ACTUALLY COMMITTED TO DO IT. STOP WITH THE FUCKING EXCUSES YOU BITCH... I BEGAN TO HATE YOU EVER SINCE I'M TEACHING ON YOUR GODFORSAKEN SCHOOL
God, i can’t wait until this contract is over. i swear, as soon as it ends on the last two days of november, i will never step foot on that shit ass school again. no more… you’ve already given me enough bad memories.
someday, i’ll tell you why it’s my dream to grow my hair long. maybe on another day
but for now, let’s wrap it up for the day. i promised myself that i’ll write again before i disappear for another 6 days
see you on the flip side...
